Swallowable Parfume

I've been on hiatus for a while -- and I've been telling myself it was going to take something truly special to get me back in the swing of things...

This. Is. Definitely. Special.

Little pills that make you emanate odors that are uniquely your own.

Other things that you can ingest that will help you emanate odors uniquely your own?

Beans. Broccoli. Garlic. Mouthwash.

The basics.

Hello friends, it's good to be back.

OSAMA's Dead Flask

A navy seal walks into a bar and orders an "Osama Bin Laden." The bartender looks at him quizzically and asks, "what's in that?" The seal replies..."Two shots and a splash of water."

Can I get a rimshot here? 

*ba dump bum*

Thank you, thank you folks, I'll be here all day!!!  Don't forget to tip your waitresses.

And now some words from our sponsor - OSAMADEADFLASKS.com.

Yea, no words...just pictures.

Maybe a few words...Okay, I see why you'd want to commemorate that day.  Being that I don't drink any alcohol - do you suppose it'd be okay to put Koolaid in there?

Holds five shots, so you can say that you got your five shots in on Osama...

Do you think red koolaid would be appropriate?

 Thank you Jarred of OsamaDeadFlasks.com for contacting me about your product. I honestly can't wait to get the samples in the mail - and I'm going to have to come up with a very interesting giveaway for them.  A simple drawing doesn't do a product like this justice.

Denim and G-Strings

And now I've seen it all in the world of fashion.

The thing is, either I'm old or I'm completely out of touch with fashion these days because I honestly don't see the appeal to the average woman when it comes to these jeans.  The average man...now I see where he'd enjoy seeing these worn...but the average woman? 

Of course, I have a daughter that wears high tops with shorts (as do the majority of her friends) and another daughter who swears pink ruffles are all the rage in the third grade...so maybe I'm not the one to ask when it comes to fashionable things...I get my advice from a 12 and 9 year old.  (Neither of which, by the way, would ever leave my home in these...not while I was still blessed with the gift of sight anyway).  You see - we have two rules in our house - your clothes have to be clean before you leave the house, and you cannot own anything that could possibly be mistaken for Snooki's wardrobe.

Sorry folks, if you want these, you're going to have to make them yourself or goto Korea or Japan.  They haven't quite made it to US retailers yet...I'm still flabbergasted as to why the buyers for Bloomies haven't jumped on these yet....

Gelli Baff

Or for those of us who still have our two front teeth – “jelly bath.”
Did you ever have the dream of swimming in a pool full of partially set jell-o?  Or did you ever try and dump hundreds of boxes of jell-o in your family swimming pool –only to get in really deep trouble from your parents/roommate/spouse when it clogs the pool pump? No? oh.  Oops. I never did that either.  Promise. I still have no idea how the pool turned into lime green sludge in the summer of 97.  Honest. (and my parents don’t read this blog – so Yay me.)
Anyway – Our friends across the ginormous lime-gelatin free pond known as the Atlantic Ocean think that everyone’s dream of a pool full of Jell-o should come true.  So they invented Gelli-Baff.

The powder turns regular bath water into – as one reviewer put it – “a big bath full of gelatinous poo” for your children to play in.
Remember Nickelodeon’s Slime awards?  Slimer from the Ghost Busters?  The jell-o pudding from Better Off Dead?
Yea, that is what this is – only they actually want you to put your kids in it – on purpose and without the promise of royalty payments (you know, from being a movie star). 
So my only question – is it bad that I’m now calculating just how much water and Gelli Baff it’s going to take to fill my Garden tub in my bathroom?

What the….????

I like my nails as much as the next girl…

of course if the next girl is THIS girl, maybe like like my nails MORE than she does, because I’m not sure this is completely sanitary or kind, or productive, or…sane???

Just sayin’.

Just because it works for Apple…

Doesn’t mean it’ll work for you.

Seriously people, stop putting the small letter “i” in front of your product names. 

It does not make you cool any more guys than signing up for Ballroom Dancing at BYU guarantees them a date…

(Chortle…snort…sorry, if you don’t go to BYU or don’t know about BYU that isn’t funny to you – but it’s stinkin’ hilarious to me :)

Ahem…

For instance…

iBrush.

Or the:

iBalance (it’s a fancy schmancy scale)

or how about:

the iGo spray bottle?  Oh now we’re just getting silly.

Here’s another iGo…

At least this one is a GPS System so the name kinda makes sense…

Let’s stop this insanity now – please I beg of you.  The tiny “i” has got to go.  I mean what would happen if we all started copying wildly successful phenomenon's?  Things like “Dancing with the Stars” would become some silly knock off like “Skating With The Stars” and then where would we be???

What?

They DID???

Oh.  Well then little “i” people, carry on. 

Eye Tattoo

I’m not much of a makeup wearer.

Probably because I’m naturally beautiful…and humble…but mostly beautiful.

But the little bit of Makeup I do wear comes from one of those boutique-y shops that sells the kind of makeup that is supposed to be good for your face (because you know, purposely making your face dirty every day is good for it…)

Anyway – while I was shopping one day, I found these:

They are rub on tattoos – for your eyes!  Forget trying to get the “smokey eye” with differing shades of brown and black – heck no!  Just press one of these babies against your eye …

So you know I bought some, right?  I had to try them out.

*the following story is true – although no photographic evidence exists – I swear, it’s true…I couldn’t possibly make this stuff up.*

I decided to buy the Smokey eye set – although animal prints were intriguing, I couldn’t think of any real-world applications for them – after all, it is JULY, not OCTOBER.

The instructions seemed simple enough, remove the protective backing, apply to eye, remove carefully and then brush with the setting powder.

OK.

I remove the protective backing.

I then take about fifteen minutes to look over the product. 

I can’t seem to figure out which end is up.  Does anyone know – for a smoky eye does the dark part go on top or bottom?  I do a quick internet search and decide it goes on top…back to my project.

I cut the piece in half so that each “eye” is on a single piece of paper.  I figure this is smart, because you see I don’t want to smudge the other eye while I’m working with the first one.  I’m really proud of this discovery – because you see it didn’t say to do that in the instructions.

I lift the shadow to my eye and apply.

I then think back to my childhood days of temporary tattoos – you had to press HARD for those to transfer.

So the pressing commenced.

This is where I should note that this isn’t your typical tattoo…it’s powder with some sort of an adhesive built in.  You can lightly brush your finger past, and it’s gonna get some shadow on it.  But, I didn’t think of that.  I PRESSED.

Note number two – don’t apply in haste – make sure it’s on straight.

I’m just sayin’.

When I removed – actually peeled – this thing back – first, it hurt.  I’m not sure if it’s because of the extra pressing, or just because the adhesive is that strong…either way, it was not a comfortable experience.  Again, pretty sure it was user related, and not product related.

I looked in the mirror at my handy work.

um…

Not so much smoky eye – more like, well ---- (and this is NOT me)  This:

Why the lack of photographic evidence you ask?  Well – quite frankly, I was worried I’d scare my kids.

That and I was pretty sure my husband might make fun of me for life.

So I tried to scrub it off.  

It didn’t feel good at all to scrub off.  This stuff is definitely meant to stay.

Thank goodness I had some heavy duty makeup remover left over from Halloween.

It did leave me with some red eye lids which did scare the kids.  I promise it was a lot less traumatizing than the smoky eye effect.  Well, maybe…

Goatee Saver

So you are a guy, and you want one of these:

But you simply cannot shave a straight line. 

Then you need one of these:

What is it?

They say a picture is worth a thousand words:

This picture is worth at least a thousand words…and a few other things.

Goatee Saver – found at http://www.goateesaver.com – of course.

Twilight…

I love Twilight.  That period before dusk where the sky is a brilliant shade of blueish blackish navy and the stars are just starting to appear…

wait – what?

Twilight is a book?

and a movie???

Okay – yes, I did know that…and out of principle alone I’ve not read it (or seen the movie(s).  I can appreciate a good book and a great movie – it’s the MERCHANDISING that drives me bonkers.

Yes, of course there’s the obligatory Twilight Lunch box (which of us as kids DIDN’T have a lunch box with our favorite movie character or super hero on it?)  I can leave that alone.

I can even appreciate the Twilight bedding set for the teenage girl who is absolutely without a doubt on Team Emeril  (what?  whatever his name is then.)

But – I mean --- Really???

How about a onesie for the not yet addicted (as far as they know)

Or a bra…

how about your very own Edward to cuddle with (in Pillow form of course?)

No, not like that….One more like this:

I gotta tell you, I really don’t see what all these women see in him…

Seriously though, the minute I see an Edward or Bella toothbrush, I may have to have myself temporarily committed to a home for the insane…just promise not to have me roomed with any vampires.

Mystery Appliance…

What is it?

You wish you knew, don’t ya?

Well, guess what – I’m not gonna tell you except to say it’s a kitchen appliance.

Closest comment to actual product wins…my total love and respect for your knowledge of all things totally odd.

I’ll fill you in later as to what this do-hicky is for.  No, it has nothing to do with eggs.  We’ve already explored that dilly-bob.

Inside Outside Upside Down…

My kids have this book.  It’s called Inside Outside Upside Down – and it’s a Bernstein Bears book.

I’m sure this product creator, Kent Rogowski (technically, he’s an artist) read the book too. 

ummm….

Wait -

*Pages shuffling…pages flipping*

hmmm…nope – This book has nothing to do with mutilated inside out teddy bears.

huh.

Well, now I’m confused.

Tele-Phono-Lens

Ever been somewhere and found something really cool and thought to yourself – “Man I wish my cell phone camera had a zoom lens so that I could get a really great photo of that!”

Of course you have.  But – you probably pulled your cell phone out of your pocket, snapped a quick pic, and were done with it.  Cell phone cameras are, after all, built for convenience and fun – not for major photography projects.

Until now.

Now you can purchase a telephoto lens that snaps right onto your cell phone.  (um…let’s not talk about the extra baggage you’ll now have to carry to protect such lens, or the time it takes to put it on the phone, secure it, ensure it’s in the proper place etc…)

Um…is it just me – or ---well, if I was going to carry around extra photography equipment, why wouldn’t I just carry my camera bag with actual zoom and telephoto built in? 

I suppose this is only for the semi-serious photographer/paparazzi wanna-be…

“Just a minute Miley – please…I need to just snap on the telephoto…aw crap…I’m getting a call…”

Inflatable Fruit Cake

It’s Fruit Cake – or is it?

Open the package and a few puffs of air, and this traditional English wedding cake, and American Holiday favorite comes to life.

According to the website – this fruit cake is the best kind because:
1) nobody eats them anyway
2) it’s totally non-toxic (unlike real fruit cake)
3) it’s cheaper to ship

I’m going to go one more and say it has a very fabulous entertainment value.  Make sure you get one for the each member of the family.  We wouldn’t want any all out family wars regarding this one, now would we?




On second thought I'm going to leave this to someone else to buy.  The family turmoil just isn't worth it.

Beyond The Candy Necklace…

Remember those innocent candy necklaces we all enjoyed as a kid (and I admit it, I still do…)

Well, the necklace has grown up.

That’s right, our friends in England have taken it to the next, more adult level. 




The CANDY BRA! 
(or you can buy it here at Amazon.com if you don't want to deal with the whole messy conversion of dollars to Euros or Cheerios or whatever the currency is...)

For some reason, I’m thinking this is not a one size fits all type of thing. 

And boys, don’t feel left out – yes, they do have a pair of edible male “knickers” as well…and no – I won’t show the photo.

Yodeling Pickle

In some parts of Germany, I’m told, it’s tradition to put a pickle on your Christmas Tree.  I’m not certain if the tradition is to put a real pickle on the tree or a plastic one – but if it’s a real pickle…let’s just say I’m glad I’m not German.

However…(you knew that was coming….)  Break out the trumpets and fanfare….er uh…lederhosen and sauerkraut…Enter the YODELING PICKLE!

That’s right ladies and gents – a yodeling pickle for your every day enjoyment.  AND if you just can’t wait to get your little beauty in the mail – here’s a virtual version to appease your pickle yodeling needs…

http://www.yodellingpickle.com/

The Final Battle

Finally, the opportunity to have the age old question answered – who are better – carnivorous meat eaters or vegetarians?  Only one will remain standing in this epic event …  that’s right, it’s Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu – The ACTION FIGURES!

Don’t be fooled by the monocle – Monsieur Tofu is a tough – uh- well, he’s not really a cookie…bean sprout- yea, that’s it, bean sprout.  And Mr. Bacon will hog the ring (Pun totally intended) for a possible victory.

Get yours now – these are sure to be next Christmas’ hottest item… and don’t forget to pick up your bacon flavored mints and bandages while you are at it!

Found at Amazon.com

Road Bags

Seriously, it’s not what you think…or perhaps if you are like the tens of others who keep this company in business it IS what you think…either way – the only phrase that comes to mind is - “Not in MY car.”

These bags are for long road trips where the rest stops are few and far between (or closed due to state economic slow downs…)

The best part of these is the clever little mini van design for men…



Oh the things I could say about this…

One Manly Pun after another.

Seriously though, if they are for the manly man who refuses to stop to answer the call of nature (read the website sales copy – this thing just sells itself!) – shouldn’t these be shaped more like a stubborn mule and less like a Mini-van?  What does the image of a mini van conjure up for you?  Yep, me too – soccer mom with several kids.

Lest the women be left out – there is a ladybag too.  It boasts a wide rim for easy relief, and a fabulous Fig Leaf pattern.



um…

Thinking about the logistics alone…

Choking on giggles.   Trying to be serious here…really.  This is serious stuff.

One simple request…Please, don’t buy these for long road trips with Grandma.  No one wants to see that.

You found me! - Ginger W of Phoenix Arizona won this Amazon Cash on 8/18/2010!  Keep looking, there just might be another!

For The Redneck Who Has Everything.

While this looks like your every day ordinary baseball cap with a witty and charming saying on top, this hat holds special secret powers.



That’s right folks.  Not only will this one keep your eyes and head shaded from the hot summer sun…it will also help open up your cold ones.

And it comes in multiple designs too.

http://www.coolergadgets.com/shop/index.php?cPath=43

Apparently, someone WILL buy this…and has.

Reserve Your Spot In Heaven…

That’s right folks – for only 15.95 you no longer need to worry about the daily troublesome task of being good and helpful and kind and righteous and doing good to all men.  Nope, no more of that hassle.  Simply send your 15.95 now, and reserve your spot in Heaven. 



The website says there’s still plenty of room in heaven for you and your loved ones, but you better act now.  Who knows how much space will be left.

Oh and for those that you don’t want to share space in Heaven with…you can reserve their space in Hell.  I don’t know what the consequences are though if you reserve space for someone in Hell that’s already reserved a place in Heaven.  I suppose they have a system for that.

http://www.reserveaspotinheaven.com/