Pooping...you're doing it wrong.

And here, I thought the biggest advance in the flush toilet was the elongated seat.

Justin Bieber...Nail Polish

Okay, so I know all about the Biebster...I have two tweenage girls after all.  I also understand that celebrities tend to brand every day items as "their own" to capitalize on their fame and to gain more fortune...  examples of this:

Madden NFL games (You see, he's a football star, and he branded a football game.  Makes perfect sense.)

Wolfgang Puck Cookware.  (An amazing chef who has branded his own line of cookware...)

Michael Jordan Cologne. (Because we all want to smell like a sweaty athlete...)

And now, introducing the most recently celebrity branded product, sure to make perfect sense in the minds of millions of Americans...

Justin Bieber Nail polish.

Because he's pretty and looks like a girl?

We'll go with that.

Swallowable Parfume

I've been on hiatus for a while -- and I've been telling myself it was going to take something truly special to get me back in the swing of things...

This. Is. Definitely. Special.

Little pills that make you emanate odors that are uniquely your own.

Other things that you can ingest that will help you emanate odors uniquely your own?

Beans. Broccoli. Garlic. Mouthwash.

The basics.

Hello friends, it's good to be back.

Fabulous Finds Friday - Shark Portable Steam Pocket

Have you ever cleaned your bathroom with a black light that is rated to see germs and bodily fluids?  If not, I actually do not recommend it.  You will find that what you think is a clean bathroom actually - - -well, is not.  It's icky.  Okay, well at least mine was.  Of course we are talking about the bathroom that my five children share - one of which is a 6 year old boy, but I digress.

I took these pictures for your shock and enjoyment.  (and much to my mother's utter disbelief and embarrassment - sorry mom.)

 

Yea, gross, right?

The thing is, this is AFTER I used a certain name brand spray cleaner to clean it up.

That's right, I said AFTER.  Apparently all it did was streak the icky mess downward.

So, I decided to heat things up a bit, and pulled out my Shark Steam Pocket.  I bought this thing not too long after my first steam cleaner machine pooped out on me.  Probably because I rarely used it, and it sat dormant for a while - I know - bad me.  Anyway - I filled it up and with some bursts of steam and a clean wash cloth (dry to wipe down with afterward...) this is the result...

Pretty stinkin' amazing right?  And all of this with just WATER.  My bathroom smells fresh and clean, my  toilet passes the black light test, and I did it all without harsh chemicals or fumes.  Anyway, I love my Shark Portable Steam Pocket.  It also does this to my kitchen, my carpet, and my walls and baseboards.  Clean and fresh like a daisy...the whole house.

Commercials That Shouldn't - Axe Body Spray

I admit it, the first time I saw an Axe commercial I thought it was clever.

Okay - that could have been while I was ill or sleep deprived or both.

(definitely both)

These new ones though - Bom Chicka Wah wah...

Definitely a Channel changer...

Best of the Worst Commercials.

There were a few nominations on our facebook page - but then this was brought up (sorry, bad choice of words).

It's the OMGIGP (Oh my Gosh I'm Gonna Puke) video for IE8...

Classy Microsoft.  Really Classy.

Comment below on this - or to suggest your favorite best of the worst.  Although, not really sure how you can get much worse than this...Flo from Progressive is a close second tho...

Automatic Toilet Flusher.

I saw this amazing ad for a great product….as a mother of five (toilet flushing challenged individuals…) I was thinking HEY – This looks AWESOME!  Seriously – who wouldn’t want something that did the following:

• Automatic Toilet Flusher just like those in Public Restrooms
• Includes 4 Built-In Flushing Functions
• Flushing Function 1: Sensor Flush with Adjustable Distance Sensor flushes when you Walk away from the Toilet
• Flushing Function 2: Sensor Flush Plus Delay - Flushes Toilet with Sensor plus Additional 7 Second Delay
• Flushing Function 3: Touch-Free Hand-Wave Flush - Flushes your Toilet with the Wave of your Hand in Front of Sensor
• Flushing Function 4: Automatic 24 Hour Flush - Flushes Once a Day while you Travel
• Installs in Less then 10 Minutes
• Fits Virtually All Toilets in the U.S. & Canada
• Batteries Included that last for up to 100,000 Flushes!

Amiright?  Honestly – every mother’s dream come true, right?

Right?

Except when you realize the product is marketed for use by Cats.

That’s right – cats.

There’s not a rule that says I can’t buy it anyway and install it for my kittens right?  I’ll even make them use a fuzzy headband with pointed ears and tail if needed. 

Notice I didn’t even MENTION the fact that there are people out there toilet training their cats.  There were no “Meet the Parents” references.  I think I should also get credit for NOT posting this video from their website.  I also haven’t mentioned anything about the toilet training kit for Cats.  Not a word.  I’ve really grown in maturity don’t you think?

Japanese Flu Masks

Remember a few years back with the Avian flu hit and then the Swine flu?  Face masks were all the rage – you saw them everywhere. They were almost a fashion trend.  Almost.

Of course if they had started out with these…the trend might have stuck.

Yes, that really is a chimpanzee formed mask.

If I had one of those I don’t think I’d wait for the flu.  I’d wear it every day. Really.   EVERY DAY.

found at Japan Trend Shop … where they are always on the front lines of fashion.  http://www.japantrendshop.com/to-be-someone-fashion-face-masks-p-824.html

Demeter Lobster Cologne

Who doesn’t like the scent of fresh steamed lobster and melted butter?

You can’t see it, but I’ve got the Homer Simpson drool thing going on right now…

So why not make it into a cologne for men?

Hmmm…

I think a cautionary tale is important here.

Product is not actual lobster, nor does it turn your spouse into one.  Product may cause sudden urge to dip husband’s arms in melted butter.  Resist this urge.  Melted butter is, after all  - very expensive.

(found at http://www.demeterfragrance.com/Product.aspx?ProductID=902)

HAND Soap…

I’ve seen flower shaped soap.  Shell shaped soap.  Even soap shaped like tiny pieces of citrus fruit – heck, I’ve MADE soap like that.

But now – introducing…soap for those who have to be literal about all their products:

That’s right folks…Hand soap.  For all your hand washing needs.

Look at the bright side, at least one of them is telling you they love you…

Before it reaches out and grabs you that is.

I think this goes way beyond a simple bath scrubbing…you might want to call an exorcist instead of attempting to clean this one yourself…

(found at  http://foliage.myshopify.com/products/handsoap – where I’m pretty sure they are just creative, not creepy – or at least that was the intent anyway.)

Bridal Diapers

When I got married my dress was big.  It was frilly.  It was ELABORATE…and it took about 20 minutes to get out of (mostly because of all the teeeny tiny buttons that ran down the back of it. 

Our wedding ceremony was at 10 o’clock in the morning and our reception at 6 that night with various other family festivities in between.  There was a brief stop off at my mother in law’s house where I was able to ditch the dress to take care of some…personal matters…but I also had an army of attendants there to help me in and out of the big puffy thing.

I have to admit though, even with all the time I’d be spending in that dress that day – I never, ever would have done this:

Think training pants for adults.

Can you imagine your first dance with your sweet new husband and he suddenly says….”do you smell something?  I distinctly smell urine…”

or the awkward moment back at the honeymoon suite…

“just a moment dear while I slip out of my diaper…”  Yes, because that will surely keep the flames burning…

What’s next?  Nuptual Noseplugs?

Thank you Tiffany S-W. for sending these to me…you were right, they were something I could write about!  Who ever thought diapers could be so interesting?

found at http://www.bridaldiapers.net

Anything For White Teeth…

Many people will do anything for vanity.

I mean it’s very important to always look your best.

However, I think it’s very funny to see what people will go through to achieve beauty.

Remember the pore strips?  Millions of women across America looking like professional football players with nose injuries just to get rid of a few black heads.

In fact, my sister and I bought these strips and decided to try them together.  We made sure all the windows were closed and made sure nobody was coming over…then we wet them down and stuck them on the nose.

Two things -

1) when you are absolutely certain you aren’t expecting visitors is exactly when someone will show up unexpectedly.

and

2) when you pull those strips off quickly and with full force because someone has shown up at the door they not only hurt like heck but they will also rip in half causing you to pull the second half off while trying to see straight through the tears that have formed in your eyes.

That all being said – if you buy this thing (it’s supposed to make your teeth white, it’s called the Forever White) make sure you just block off contact from all people all together…

Smile and say cheese….

Bumpits

Yet another product that I am a victim proud owner of.

You see ----  *enter sad infomercial music here*  I was born with…fine, limp hair.

It’s true.  I know.  Someone should hold a telethon.

So, because you already know that I’m a very hip and with it – and NOW type of person – and the only way for me to get the latest style in my hair was to back comb it until there was a little bit of height in it.

Yes, I’ve also tried root lifter.  And I feel that product is inappropriately named.  It did not lift my roots at all – they still had sad little faces and poor attitudes.

Anyway I bought some bumpits with the hope of an age-appropriate hair style that didn’t require much back combing or uplifting of the roots.

Let me ask you a question…have you ever back combed your hair (ratted, teased, etc) and then gotten your comb stuck and had to pull it out? 

Or have you moms ever tried to get a sucker (previously sucked on) out of a child’s hair?

That is exactly what it takes to get a bumpit out of your hair.

There are tiny little comb-like teeth on the banana shaped dohickey.  You are supposed to tease your hair and then insert the bumpit then gently smooth the rest of the hair over it.

HA!

gently…whatever.

Maybe I’m inept.  I suppose this could all be user error.  But it took me a solid 30 minutes (and lots of tears) to get the stupid thing out of my hair.  While there was a lot of laughter coming from the other room.  I’m going to assume  my family was watching an old episode of The Andy Griffith Show and not laughing at me.

It doesn’t matter anyway.  I’ve given up.  I don’t need hair like this:

wait – that’s what it looked like after removing the bumpit…

yea, that’s it…I don’t need hair like this.

Eye Tattoo

I’m not much of a makeup wearer.

Probably because I’m naturally beautiful…and humble…but mostly beautiful.

But the little bit of Makeup I do wear comes from one of those boutique-y shops that sells the kind of makeup that is supposed to be good for your face (because you know, purposely making your face dirty every day is good for it…)

Anyway – while I was shopping one day, I found these:

They are rub on tattoos – for your eyes!  Forget trying to get the “smokey eye” with differing shades of brown and black – heck no!  Just press one of these babies against your eye …

So you know I bought some, right?  I had to try them out.

*the following story is true – although no photographic evidence exists – I swear, it’s true…I couldn’t possibly make this stuff up.*

I decided to buy the Smokey eye set – although animal prints were intriguing, I couldn’t think of any real-world applications for them – after all, it is JULY, not OCTOBER.

The instructions seemed simple enough, remove the protective backing, apply to eye, remove carefully and then brush with the setting powder.

OK.

I remove the protective backing.

I then take about fifteen minutes to look over the product. 

I can’t seem to figure out which end is up.  Does anyone know – for a smoky eye does the dark part go on top or bottom?  I do a quick internet search and decide it goes on top…back to my project.

I cut the piece in half so that each “eye” is on a single piece of paper.  I figure this is smart, because you see I don’t want to smudge the other eye while I’m working with the first one.  I’m really proud of this discovery – because you see it didn’t say to do that in the instructions.

I lift the shadow to my eye and apply.

I then think back to my childhood days of temporary tattoos – you had to press HARD for those to transfer.

So the pressing commenced.

This is where I should note that this isn’t your typical tattoo…it’s powder with some sort of an adhesive built in.  You can lightly brush your finger past, and it’s gonna get some shadow on it.  But, I didn’t think of that.  I PRESSED.

Note number two – don’t apply in haste – make sure it’s on straight.

I’m just sayin’.

When I removed – actually peeled – this thing back – first, it hurt.  I’m not sure if it’s because of the extra pressing, or just because the adhesive is that strong…either way, it was not a comfortable experience.  Again, pretty sure it was user related, and not product related.

I looked in the mirror at my handy work.

um…

Not so much smoky eye – more like, well ---- (and this is NOT me)  This:

Why the lack of photographic evidence you ask?  Well – quite frankly, I was worried I’d scare my kids.

That and I was pretty sure my husband might make fun of me for life.

So I tried to scrub it off.  

It didn’t feel good at all to scrub off.  This stuff is definitely meant to stay.

Thank goodness I had some heavy duty makeup remover left over from Halloween.

It did leave me with some red eye lids which did scare the kids.  I promise it was a lot less traumatizing than the smoky eye effect.  Well, maybe…

Goatee Saver

So you are a guy, and you want one of these:

But you simply cannot shave a straight line. 

Then you need one of these:

What is it?

They say a picture is worth a thousand words:

This picture is worth at least a thousand words…and a few other things.

Goatee Saver – found at http://www.goateesaver.com – of course.

Chew By Numbers

A few weeks ago my friends and I decided to throw a birthday party for our friend who was turning – um…let’s just say somewhere in the “30’s.”  The theme of the night (since we are all off balance by about 20 degrees or so) was “princess meets 12 year old girl.”

That’s right, we threw a princess party for a fully grown adult.

Do you have a problem with that?  I didn’t think so…

Moving on – one part of the party was a bubble gum biggest bubble contest.

30-some-things should never, ever, ever attempt to chew bubble gum – let alone blow bubbles.

Don’t believe me?  Try it.  Your jaw will never speak to you again.

Next birthday party, we should break out with these:

You see – you chew the different colored bubble gum, and place it on the canvas in the appropriate numbered space.

And if you have sensitive teeth and jaws – they come in sugar free:

I suppose it keeps you from putting the gum under the table though…and look, you get a nifty piece of artwork to share with your mommy.

Because, that’s not gross at all.

Brought to you by Perpetual Kid - http://www.perpetualkid.com/gum.aspx  (and hidden from you by horrified mothers everywhere.)

The Derma Roller

My birthday is coming up.  I only say this not because I want you all to remember and send me happy birthday wishes (and presents) *wink* but because it signifies the loss of another year.

That’s right, I’m getting older…and my skin is starting to show it.

So of course, I’m going to look for ways to maintain my youthful appearance as long as I can.  That’s why when my friend Kim G. told be about the Derma Roller – I had to check it out.

This is what I saw when I opened the email.

Apparently the idea behind this mini-meat tenderizer looking device is to roll the sharp pointy end over your face (but not on your eyelids or lips – they are very clear about that) in four different directions once a week.  Of course if you use less pressure you can use this thing more often than that, like daily.

It’s supposed to increase blood flow to your face and help you look younger.

Yep.  I’m thinking thousands of tiny holes in my face will help me look younger alright – but I gotta say, never in my adult years did I ever think about duplicating the look of puberty in order to look younger.  

In their defense, they do say not to use too much pressure – or to draw blood – and they also recommend a good slathering of Lidocaine (you know, the stuff the dentist uses on your gums before he gives you the BIG shot…) on the skin to numb the area before use.  (The very next line after it says to use Lidocaine is of course “This method is painless” – ya think???)

Sorry, but I think I’ll continue to look for ways to maintain my youthful appearance…like, um – well – ANYTHING else.

(It should absolutely be noted here that Kim sent me the ad for the Derma Roller for the express purpose of me writing about it – she does not use this thing herself as she has a great deal of common sense and a very low pain threshold.)

FacialFlex

So supposedly, you put this in your mouth and squeeze your cheeks and it makes you look years younger.

Um…Years younger isn’t exactly what I’m seeing.

Nope, not my first thought at all.

I can, however see men purchasing this in bulk for their wives.

Because you know if they  are doing this they can’t be talking…I hear that is annoying to some men.  My husband, on the other hand, loves the sound of my voice.

Right dear?

He says yes.

See.

Potty Light

Okay – so admittedly, I have girls mostly so the aiming thing isn’t an issue.

But even my two boys are fine with the whole “potty” thing.  Really – never missed once.  Even in the dark.

That’s why this one makes me laugh:

Question – if they are so tired that they aren’t able to “aim” in the dark – are they really gonna remember to turn the light on?  Is it motion activated?  Please tell me it isn’t moisture activated…because if it is, I’m afraid they’ve hung it a bit high on the seat for my comfort…

The Coolest You’ll Look Pooping In Your Pants

And I really wish that was just a snazzy headline for this post, but sadly – no – it’s actually part of Huggies’ marketing campaign for their new Little Movers Diapers series…

Blue Jeans.

I’ve let my kid run around the house in just a diaper and a t-shirt before.  Honestly, what parent hasn’t?  But seriously?

It’s okay to wear just your underwear in public, as long as it looks cool.

Oh, and if you don’t believe me about their campaign slogan – here’s the commercial, straight from their website:

wait for it….wait for it….

I Poo In Blue. That sounds like a medical issue to me. Not a fashion statement. Just Sayin'.