Justin Bieber...Nail Polish

Okay, so I know all about the Biebster...I have two tweenage girls after all.  I also understand that celebrities tend to brand every day items as "their own" to capitalize on their fame and to gain more fortune...  examples of this:

Madden NFL games (You see, he's a football star, and he branded a football game.  Makes perfect sense.)

Wolfgang Puck Cookware.  (An amazing chef who has branded his own line of cookware...)

Michael Jordan Cologne. (Because we all want to smell like a sweaty athlete...)

And now, introducing the most recently celebrity branded product, sure to make perfect sense in the minds of millions of Americans...

Justin Bieber Nail polish.

Because he's pretty and looks like a girl?

We'll go with that.

Swallowable Parfume

I've been on hiatus for a while -- and I've been telling myself it was going to take something truly special to get me back in the swing of things...

This. Is. Definitely. Special.

Little pills that make you emanate odors that are uniquely your own.

Other things that you can ingest that will help you emanate odors uniquely your own?

Beans. Broccoli. Garlic. Mouthwash.

The basics.

Hello friends, it's good to be back.

OSAMA's Dead Flask

A navy seal walks into a bar and orders an "Osama Bin Laden." The bartender looks at him quizzically and asks, "what's in that?" The seal replies..."Two shots and a splash of water."

Can I get a rimshot here? 

*ba dump bum*

Thank you, thank you folks, I'll be here all day!!!  Don't forget to tip your waitresses.

And now some words from our sponsor - OSAMADEADFLASKS.com.

Yea, no words...just pictures.

Maybe a few words...Okay, I see why you'd want to commemorate that day.  Being that I don't drink any alcohol - do you suppose it'd be okay to put Koolaid in there?

Holds five shots, so you can say that you got your five shots in on Osama...

Do you think red koolaid would be appropriate?

 Thank you Jarred of OsamaDeadFlasks.com for contacting me about your product. I honestly can't wait to get the samples in the mail - and I'm going to have to come up with a very interesting giveaway for them.  A simple drawing doesn't do a product like this justice.

No Comment.

Really. None. Whatsoever.

Found at my local Target store.  While Shopping.  With my kids. Who wanted these. Real. Bad.

Gelli Baff

Or for those of us who still have our two front teeth – “jelly bath.”
Did you ever have the dream of swimming in a pool full of partially set jell-o?  Or did you ever try and dump hundreds of boxes of jell-o in your family swimming pool –only to get in really deep trouble from your parents/roommate/spouse when it clogs the pool pump? No? oh.  Oops. I never did that either.  Promise. I still have no idea how the pool turned into lime green sludge in the summer of 97.  Honest. (and my parents don’t read this blog – so Yay me.)
Anyway – Our friends across the ginormous lime-gelatin free pond known as the Atlantic Ocean think that everyone’s dream of a pool full of Jell-o should come true.  So they invented Gelli-Baff.

The powder turns regular bath water into – as one reviewer put it – “a big bath full of gelatinous poo” for your children to play in.
Remember Nickelodeon’s Slime awards?  Slimer from the Ghost Busters?  The jell-o pudding from Better Off Dead?
Yea, that is what this is – only they actually want you to put your kids in it – on purpose and without the promise of royalty payments (you know, from being a movie star). 
So my only question – is it bad that I’m now calculating just how much water and Gelli Baff it’s going to take to fill my Garden tub in my bathroom?

Not Your Every Day Cookie Press…thank goodness.

This one is definitely sold as a gag gift.

At least, I sincerely hope and pray with all my might and with all that I am that this is considered part of the gag gift market and not part of the “serious and useful inventions” market.

Using the same idea that is behind your kitchen cookie press I present to you ….

The Turd Twister.

Yes.  I am not kidding.

Now you CAN poop four leaf clovers and then call in the family to marvel in it’s splendor.

Oh, and don’t forget – they are dishwasher safe…because that’s um, sanitary.

Goodnight, Irene.

I’m going to tell you a story.

The story of Irene.

She was tired…so tired.  She worked very hard in her job as a product quality tester in the Neckline Slimmer factory, and by the time she got off of work, she had a hard time holding her head up…

The ride home on the train was usually unbearable…

I mean, it really sucked.

Night after night, she’d fall asleep in her easy chair thinking – there has got to be a better way…

Sadly, there just was no answer to poor Irene’s problems…except for leaving her job as a quality control inspector at the Neckline Slimmer factory and moving on to something else that would ease her aching neck…

 

Too bad the only open position was Quality Control at the deodorant factory.

The Tingler

Ok…yes, I agree this product may be considered inappropriate if you judge it by its name alone.

But you look at it, and it seems harmless enough…

Unless of course you have a completely abnormal fear of spiders or all things creepy crawly.

This is supposed to be a head massager.  According to the website:

All we know for sure, is that it will make you very happy!

Um…sure it does.

Stupid Pet Tricks

For your dog?

For your kitty?

For your hamster?

Of course not – because those would actually make sense…a little disturbing that you’d have that kind of time…but sense nonetheless.

Nope, this isn’t for a four-legged furry friend.  This is for your fish.

That’s right, I said fish.

R2 Fish School Training Kit…

 
I’m now not sure if I should be disturbed by the amount of time these folks have, or jealous of the amount of “extra” time they have.

Jealous.  Yep, I’ll go with that.

The Original NyFork

Commonly known in kitchens all across…um…I have no idea where this thing might be popular…Oh well, we’ll say New Jersey.  There are a lot of Pizza places there right?

Anyway…

Introducing the NyFork – cut your pizza and eat it, all with one utensil!  Now, if that isn’t efficiency at it’s best, I don’t know what is.



Oh, and it’s not just for Pizza either – check out this image from the NyFork website:



That’s right ladies and gents – it’s a T-Bone steak.  No more hassling with those cumbersome steak knives.  Nope.  Not anymore.  Wow, so glad someone came up with a way to free up one of my hands during dinner time.  With one of these babies in each hand, dinner time should be cut in half!  Amazing!

Subtle Butt

So you are in public.

You had Chili for lunch.

You really, really need to –well – let nature take whatever course it normally takes after you eat beans.

You know it will be of the silent-but-deadly variety.

No need to fear – Subtle Butt is here.

That’s right, disposable charcoal liners for your um, undergarments.

Ah, never to be embarrassed again by unsightly odors.

I’m sure they arrive in a plain brown paper package too.

Beyond The Candy Necklace…

Remember those innocent candy necklaces we all enjoyed as a kid (and I admit it, I still do…)

Well, the necklace has grown up.

That’s right, our friends in England have taken it to the next, more adult level. 




The CANDY BRA! 
(or you can buy it here at Amazon.com if you don't want to deal with the whole messy conversion of dollars to Euros or Cheerios or whatever the currency is...)

For some reason, I’m thinking this is not a one size fits all type of thing. 

And boys, don’t feel left out – yes, they do have a pair of edible male “knickers” as well…and no – I won’t show the photo.

Yodeling Pickle

In some parts of Germany, I’m told, it’s tradition to put a pickle on your Christmas Tree.  I’m not certain if the tradition is to put a real pickle on the tree or a plastic one – but if it’s a real pickle…let’s just say I’m glad I’m not German.

However…(you knew that was coming….)  Break out the trumpets and fanfare….er uh…lederhosen and sauerkraut…Enter the YODELING PICKLE!

That’s right ladies and gents – a yodeling pickle for your every day enjoyment.  AND if you just can’t wait to get your little beauty in the mail – here’s a virtual version to appease your pickle yodeling needs…

http://www.yodellingpickle.com/

The Final Battle

Finally, the opportunity to have the age old question answered – who are better – carnivorous meat eaters or vegetarians?  Only one will remain standing in this epic event …  that’s right, it’s Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu – The ACTION FIGURES!

Don’t be fooled by the monocle – Monsieur Tofu is a tough – uh- well, he’s not really a cookie…bean sprout- yea, that’s it, bean sprout.  And Mr. Bacon will hog the ring (Pun totally intended) for a possible victory.

Get yours now – these are sure to be next Christmas’ hottest item… and don’t forget to pick up your bacon flavored mints and bandages while you are at it!

Found at Amazon.com

Reindeer Poop

Mothers everywhere are closing their eyes.  They are grabbing for the hand sanitizer and swearing to never take their kids to the petting zoo…ever.  At least not after finding this little gem:



That’s right folks, reindeer dispensers who poop out chocolate and caramel flavored jelly beans.  What’s not to love?

Thinking.

Thinking.

Thinking.

Yep, nothing at all.  These things are fabulous.

For The Redneck Who Has Everything.

While this looks like your every day ordinary baseball cap with a witty and charming saying on top, this hat holds special secret powers.



That’s right folks.  Not only will this one keep your eyes and head shaded from the hot summer sun…it will also help open up your cold ones.

And it comes in multiple designs too.

http://www.coolergadgets.com/shop/index.php?cPath=43

Apparently, someone WILL buy this…and has.

Reserve Your Spot In Heaven…

That’s right folks – for only 15.95 you no longer need to worry about the daily troublesome task of being good and helpful and kind and righteous and doing good to all men.  Nope, no more of that hassle.  Simply send your 15.95 now, and reserve your spot in Heaven. 



The website says there’s still plenty of room in heaven for you and your loved ones, but you better act now.  Who knows how much space will be left.

Oh and for those that you don’t want to share space in Heaven with…you can reserve their space in Hell.  I don’t know what the consequences are though if you reserve space for someone in Hell that’s already reserved a place in Heaven.  I suppose they have a system for that.

http://www.reserveaspotinheaven.com/